Archive for March 4th, 2009

Cooking with Clara

March 4, 2009

Move over, Emeril and meet Clara, who makes magic with lentils and rice, steak as thin as paper, a simple salad and some bread.  Welcome to Great Depression Cooking with Clara.  She’s an Italian lady  from New York who used to work for Hostess filling Twinkies.  There’s a job for you.  She tells us what’s REALLY important, a living reminder of a lousy time in America.  And though she makes no mention of a nice Cabernet to go with her feast, I’ll bet it was pretty damned tasty without it.  Maybe we need to take some good notes here.


When I’m Queen of the World…

March 4, 2009

I’ve had a tough day and I’m thinking about what I’ll do when I’m Queen of the World.  Oh, you scoff, but it could happen.  And if it does, the world will be a better place.  We will all benefit from my extreme, slightly quirky methods.  Here is just a small sample of my Queenly decisions:

1. Drivers will only use the left lane to pass another car … you don’t just drive in that lane.

2. Professional athletes will not be allowed to wear any jewelry. At all.

3. People will stop using double negatives in a sentence. (I live in Hooterville, for GAWD’s Sake!)

4. Any person who litters will be shot … on sight.  That should end it.

5. People will STOP sending hateful, shitty email jokes and other crap that bashes a political party, black people, white people, gay people…any people. You’re wasting my time and insulting my intelligence.  Grow up.

6. No more plastic bags in grocery stores.  None.

7. Learn to spell.  It shows you care enough to send the very best thoughts.  (I better check this post.)

8. Someday I will sell my little shop, and have the time to read the growing stack of books next to my bed.  Then visit all the Authors.  George, I’m halfway through yours and it’s awesome. (You will take me drinking!)   Steffan, I can’t wait to start yours. 

9. Yellow Pages Salespeople will become detailers in car washes.

10.  The Cubs will win the World Series.

11. The font, Times New Roman, will be replaced with Crackhouse.  Just for the fun of it.

If you need anything else, let me know.

imagesIt’ll fit.

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