Posts Tagged ‘death’

The Obits

February 22, 2009

I just read Garrison Keillors column on Obituaries. I admit it…I read them, trying to cull bits of information about dead people I have never met.  I imagine what they might have been like, who their families are and what they might be saying about their dearly departed.

Mr. Keillor says the Brits have more “frank” obits than in America.  It must be true.  I’ve never read an obituary yet that that didn’t say stuff like:  “Joe Schmo went to have coffee with his Heavenly Father.  Joe was a devoted dad, loved fishing and will be sorely missed by all.”    None of them ever say Joe was schmuk who wore his wife’s underware and hoarded copies of Hustler.

Keillor says our own obit is bound to be a big disappointment.  Not so fast, Garrison!  I think we should write our own obituary, now,  while we (most of us) are lucid and honest enough to make sure our story gets told as we would want it.  Especially ad people.    It would be our greatest writing assignment, our most important project.   Here’s what I might write about me.

Born a girl when her father wanted a son, adchick grew up to be an over-achiever.  She never knew a stranger, and talked to anyone about anything at any time.  Even as a toddler, she used her humor as a shield to deflect those who were mean, arrogant, or jealous.  Adchick was full of energy and enthusiasm with a work ethic that stayed quite impressive till her last breath.  She banged her way through life with the finesse of a train wreck.   She was loud, implusive and emotional, having the where-with-all to talk herself out of trouble for naughty and stupid actions, such as driving a golf cart on to a green and talking about too-personal topics like sex and religion.    She loved her flower gardens, too much music and red wine, as well as fine restaurants.   She never did learn exactly how to be a girly-girl, although she tried.

In her later years, after touching the hot iron one too many times, she finally became more suspect and untrusting of others. Her sassy attitude was well known during her career as a small town adchick, and many marveled at her ability to tell a client they were wrong … quite wrong, actually … and get away with it.

She is survived by two ex-husbands, both of whom were colossal mistakes in judgment as indicated by intense therapy later in life.  Her daughter and grandson miss the many trips to the mall they took together.  She will be buried on the family farm, and according to her wishes her casket will contain: A bottle of Chateau Neuf de Pape, three Tootsie Roll pops, her iPod, and black high heels.
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